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Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
1:21 pm - <3
In my mind I'm goin' to Carolina
Can't you see the sunshine
Can't you just feel the moonshine
Ain't it just like a friend of mine

I miss you Lisa... come back to me please. I dont know if I can handle this any longer. So much confusion. I know you're happy there but I'm not happy here without you, hell, I wouldn't even be happy there without you. There's too much drama, too much angst, too much stupid boy bullshit and no you. No you to tickle my ear and tell me its ok, no you to build forts with, to just sit there and talk in our own little protective haven. God, I know I'm stronger than this shit but at the same time I know YOU are my strength, at least a part of it. I do believe things happen for a reason but right now I don't see the purpose in this. What good does it do when your best friend is thousands of miles away, you could live on the moon and still be just as far away (hell, maybe thats even closer). what is the point behind this misery?

I miss you....please come back, I can't do this without you
the girl who will always be your bear (and the only one who likes byrd turd)

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Tuesday, September 7th, 2004
5:32 pm - *tear*
watching the last thing my brother and I laughed about... all out gut wrenching laughter... is breaking my heart. I miss you kent... please come back :(

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Saturday, September 6th, 2003
12:28 am - andy warhol!
ohhh! im all kinds of happy right now! i just got two andy warhol books! oh! im so in love! i never thought a material possession could bring so much joy! oh yay!

(i dont really like material possessions)

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Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
12:55 am - ugh
Seriously I want some nice, gentle, smart, funny, introspective, adorable, non-psycho shaggy haired musician to make love to me and respect and love and hold me.

Come On, Is that so much to ask?

Ok, so he doesn't have to be a shaggy haired musician.

But, cut me some slack here.
I am a desirable woman.
Desirable men should want me back.

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Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
2:09 am
Please, in the name of all things good and pure, someone hit me in the back of the head with a brick.

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2:05 am - suicide
I wish that I could call it a surprise
A sudden shock, an absence unpresaged
I'd mourn as anyone, then dry my eyes
Not flail and fume, disgusted and enraged
I saw her straining to come disengaged
From fatalistic self-hate and despair
Don't say she truly wanted to be caged
She did crave freedom, she was almost there
And all her life she'd striven to play fair
To all but herself, as she had been taught
My contradictions, more than she could bear
Fell foreign on her ear and came to naught
Self-preservation lost to lifelong lies
She's fallen, like my heart, no more to rise

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2:04 am - there but for grace
It isn't quite the garden, but the promised land will do
If the pain is finally over, I've no right to question how
I've got to give them credit, they did well when they got you
Dear sister, but we miss you here and now
I've talked to snakes a dozen times, and been one now and then
Perhaps you're just allergic, or the timing wasn't right
You live what you've been given and pay for what you've been
But your darkness scares me, dressing up as light

Sovereignty scares everyone
The power belongs to you
Whoever taught you it's a burden
Should be taught how much it's true
Showed you your wings and broke them
So you wouldn't be scared of the sky
You have to fall before you're saved
And there but for grace go I

I didn't say you're crazy, just that you've been pulled apart
Not weak, but too courageous for your strength you crossed the line
Sometimes I get so jealous of your cardboard-cutout heart
No accountability, it could be mine

Suck your Apple of Forgetting crouched on someone else's floor
You're tired, and I won't tell you that you shouldn't close your eyes
Now the bottle and the needle just don't cut it any more
I just wish it didn't hurt so to be wise

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Sunday, June 29th, 2003
8:04 pm - wondering if this works?

alright, well i dont know if thats going to work or not, or even if its going to be any bigger than my icon *sadness* but if its small like my icon then it says

"Pretty women wonder where my secret lies...
I say...
It's in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride in my step,
The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman.

Phenomenal woman."

It's an excerpt from (I know I'm gonna spell this wrong) Maya Angelou's "Phenomenal Woman"

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Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
8:37 pm - Nunzio
At the corner of the backstage door, unseen
Stands Nunzio, the old deaf janitor
Beaming, his eyes fixed on the conductor
As the wild finale thunders to the roof.
The girl who played the slow piano solo
That made the governor's wife cry, that's Anna,
Mario and June's daughter. He's met her.
He even shook her pale and gifted hand.
Night after night, he greets the city's finest,
They all know him by name, and by his smile
And by the way he's truly glad to see them.
He compliments the ladies' satin gowns
And buys his wife a new one every Christmas -
Always stylish, yet tasteful. She agrees
When all of her friends tell her that she's lucky.
And he is lucky too, for when the nightmares
Of roaring planes and bombs jolt him awake
He only needs to touch her sleeping shoulder
She'll cradle him and soothe him back to sleep.
The only dreams of which he can not tell her
Dear innocent, and deaf from birth, his bride
Are from longer ago, scented with rosin
Tormenting his old fingertips faintly
With the touch of violin strings. Then, he weeps.

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Sunday, April 20th, 2003
8:55 pm - half sick of shadows
If you were here
What would I say
I wouldn't need to
You know me anyway
But you'd want to hear my voice
I'd want to hear your heart
If I can make that choice, then that's a start
If you were real
I might be too
Surely I'm improbable as you
And I shouldn't have to believe
That the world can be so odd
It isn't up to me
And I'm not God

And I've touched you time and time again
And felt the warmth before you melt away
It seems that's how it's got to be
The ghosts have gotten good to me
I wonder if I can want you to stay

If I raise you up
Directly to the sun
Your fiery halo burns away
The stupid things I've done
And that awkward smile, so human
Is no longer what I see
But that's just too damn easy
For a masochist like me
I want my cake and want to eat it too
I want a stumbling trembling mirror
Flesh and blood with all its errors
All the things I'm sick of being
And I want you

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6:36 pm
why do I always fall for people I can't have?

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Friday, April 18th, 2003
7:08 pm - comet
You understood what I said
You didn't avoid my eyes
You walked with me in winter
Unoffended, unsurprised
Your masters the same as mine
Momentum and gravity
You burned with hungry urgency
Serenely, just like me
And it's a cold day in Somerville
When I'm happy with what I do
And it's always got to do with a friend like you

I'm good at astronomy
I even know where you are
Too far away for comfort
And too close to be a star
But I've seen you with my own eyes
I'm proud that I made you smile
Then left to your orbit
Undecoded, undefiled

And it's a long day in winter
When I know that I've come through
And I couldn't pull it off without friends like you

An inner-space shade of green
An underground turn of phrase
A snowball's chance in early spring
Sent flying, set ablaze
You're surfing the solar wind
And trailing a cosmic cloud
Aurora borealis
Where the dawn is not allowed

And it's the same day in outer space
As when the Big Bang blew
But a lot has changed down here because of friends like you

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1:05 am - sonnet for the cages
in cages lie my passions, they are bound
and suff'ring now; im left to waste away
a with'ring web of words i meant to say
that slipped between my lips without a sound
a sordid death those passions now have found in coffins, oak and unprovoked, to stay
and smothered 'neath the night they 'wait the day
thay they might wake and slither from the ground

in cages, cursed and deemed perverse, they lie
and fantasize of days when they'll be free
then scream in vain their wasted dreamings rage
abandoned hallways echo every cry
reverberations searching for a key
they challenge me to dare unlock this cage

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Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
10:15 pm - monster
It chased me through too many shivering dreams
Alone it shook my true and natural will
The knowledge that it would not heed my screams
But peel them from me slow, and slower still
Drove me to hunt it down, for I would kill
This silence-poisoning spectre in my head
So with both battle-rage and patient skill
I tore it from its haunt beneath the bed
I beat and burnt it, flayed it til it bled
Dark rivers steaming waste. "What is your name?"
I screamed. It raised its oozing skinless head
And spoke. "Tomorrow, and yours is the same."
With gory sinews from its place it crept
And cradled me against it as I wept.

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Sunday, April 13th, 2003
6:42 pm

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1:18 am - cupid
lol here it is alexis. so you can be unbored for about 30 seconds. ha its crap i know! but meh i wrote it in like 10 minutes so that... you could be unbored! i did it all for you! lol


by the wee-hours whine of a mosquito
finally, by experience
foresight may or may not soften the sting
or the unceremonious tearing when the arrow proves false
I can get Bacitracin and Band-Aids
I can make sure my work is caught up
I can even clock the approach of the stinking cherub
the Prince of Lies on pigeon wings
the champion of self-defeat
last time I fell this low
he smelled my tears and closed in
he is a child
and children do not know mercy
but you, who will be my co-target -
I will not drag you down with me.
This is my rebellion.
This is my backbone.
This is my knowledge that I am still capable of kindness
even when my only motivation is spite.

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Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
7:02 pm - sister charity
Packed off to St. Agnes' at fourteen
Barren and unmarriageable
(her father was told this by the Virgin Mary in a dream)
Now choirmistress Sister Charity murmurs to her hawk
Not Alleluia, who is young and still in training
But Revelations, who brought two fine hares to the convent's table
And who streaks like an arrow to her whistle:
Praise Jesus, but the wealthy are presumptuous!
I must pray for Lord Whidden's misguided son -
Is that a mite, lovely bird? I shall crush it
And dust you again -
I am grateful daily that the Lord has seen fit to deliver me
From the arrogance of nobility!
Poor young Walter will be in my prayers
That Jesus may disabuse him of his folly
Marry me! A nun! And two years his senior
What can he be thinking, I wonder?
Perhaps he has eaten apple blossoms
Not good wholesome hare, do you think, Revelations?
There's my prize, my little messenger angel
You'd think he envied the carter's boy our dalliances
Or perhaps he is pleased by my form
Four months from childbirth, and barely able to ride
These nobles' sons are all romantics
Surely he dreams of cradling a babe
Of being a family man at last
But this gift of the good Lord is not food for politics
No he's not, is he, Revelations?
I am certain he will be a bishop
Or, if a girl, a joyous chorister
To sing the Lord's praises all day long
To you and your cousins of the sky, yes, lovely bird
Bright-winged notes of gratitude to merciful Jesus
And to His wise mother, who called me to serve Him
When I was but a child.

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Monday, April 7th, 2003
6:40 pm - spring sarabande
Sweet torment of your half-remembered face
And heady poison of your ready song
The season's laudanum-besotted grace
Warps waking world to dreams where I belong
So willingly I stumble on along
As winblown petals whisper of your hand
Through pond and over precipice, no wrong
In dancing where no sunblind maid might stand
Delighting in the fear I might command
Your presence through my sheer audacity
Though sane I'd not presume nor had I planned
To yoke desire to carry you to me
The season shreds resolve to ragged lace
Expect no madwoman to know her place

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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
6:06 pm - monument
I am a monument
Don't be scared to touch me
I'll do your remembering
When the errors of your species
Feel too personal, familiar
Too unsettling to your soul
Sit quiet in my shadow
Feel the price of being whole
I am a monolith
Trace your wondering fingers
Down the grooves of old graffiti
That the years have worn to ciphers
For if something happened long ago
In times you know as simple
Then it might have had some meaning
To a stranger

There is pain
There is rebellion
There is madness, there is horror, there is hope
This your curse
This your salvation
You are raw and wise and wrong, you have the world

I am a standing stone
Borne to bear you fancies
Your tears are the sea to me
When ears can not be found
When the wind pulls up your hair around
My lichens and my corners
I can almost wish I'd rather be
Not stone but flesh and bone

I am a mystery
You are free to wonder
And even now to dream, now that
Nobody knows the answer
As I hunger for your clumsiness
You're welcome to my strength
Could there be a middle ground
Between us somehow

There is determination
Stubborn as frustration
There is agony and purity and pride
This my decay
And this your backbone
I am solemn and secure but not alive

days until burns come to colorado: 158

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Monday, March 31st, 2003
8:42 pm - untitled
While you're battered and bombarded by the friendly fire of fate
Divided and blindsided by the bastards that you hate
When the wretched rush to ruin any spark that you create
It's too easy to get used to being great
When the general consensus is it's easier to crawl
When companions who you trusted grow disgusted with it all
Though nobody now expects you to endeavor to grow small
Still you feel like you're no longer there at all.

It's because you know they'd never turn their backs on you
That you turn away yourself when there's no more you can do
You stood your ground as long as anyone could do
But now that ground's washed away
And the night's lost to day
And the old must give way for the new.
When serenely they all sidestep the sorrow of desire
And the white flag's flying peacefully, no holes and not on fire
Can you give them one good reason why you'd rather still aspire
And why bother when they'd gladly just admire?
Can you get across the only useful lesson that you've learned
That honor has a meaning only while it's being earned
And with no one to stand up for, though the laurel leaf has turned
Into gold, all that's left is to be burned.

days since Adam hasnt called: 25
days until the burns come to colorado: 160

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